We all occupy a certain place, where if you are not consciously occupied with it, you will occupy that place forever. For example, you can be the youngest and continue to feel the youngest everywhere, or the only girl. And therefore occupy a different place. You can then always perceive the feelings that belong to that place, which is nice if you feel protected and safe, for example, but not nice if you feel inferior and unseen. I grew up with that energy and therefore know what it is like to feel alone, vulnerable and insecure.

So I can also feel it when someone who is very dominant wants to take my place. I now know where that comes from, where it started and how to deal with it. It is very logical that that feeling sometimes comes up again. And that is not bad, precisely then I feel that younger version again and I see very consciously what growth I have made. I am now quite firm and have learned that there is a space between your feeling and reacting from your feeling. Because I can take that space, feel well and react from myself in this moment (so not from the girl of the past) I no longer feel vulnerable and insecure. How is that with you?

As a mother you take a special place, if you have multiple children that place is different again. Does that ask a lot of you? You have to develop yourself every time, with every phase of your child(ren). What works for one can be counterproductive for another and that is not easy. What does your system need (see question 3 where we talked about family systems). What do you need? What does everyone individually in the system need? Who is in your system? Do you have a partner that you have to take too much into account? Or does he take you into account? Who do you want to keep far away from your life, but do influence. Is there someone who wants to be in your place? Your mother, mother-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, friend or a colleague? (I mention the female versions, but of course they could just as well be men.) Maybe you are the first in your family to become a mother, or of your colleagues. How does that feel and how do you deal with it? Maybe you have bonus children and that dynamic is difficult, especially if you have a different (cultural) background.

I noticed that when our children went to school we also had to deal with changing dynamics/systems. Everyone was used to something different and it took a while before I got used to it again. And then I still had the advantage that I could communicate with teachers and parents in my own language. But I also noticed that this change required adjustment and awareness. I still sometimes long to be able to start over, with the knowledge of today. Unfortunately, it is all the better that I can share my knowledge and experiences in this way.

When your child goes to school, you will also experience that new friendships are constantly being formed with parents you do not (yet) know. And the older they get, the more they do things outside your field of vision and the more people take up a place in their lives. I really had to get used to it when my eldest son started living with someone, my feelings were flying from left to right, but I also spoke to myself sternly and took the space to deal with my feelings. It was very logical that everything was changing, that his girlfriend had an influence and that I had to give him space. I had been focused on my role as a mother for so long that it was also logical that he had to be patient with me. By discussing this with each other, understanding can arise and the love can continue to flow. We all had to take up a different place.

I have also experienced what it does to a family when a parent dies, especially if you have not lived together as a family for a long time and there are grandchildren. Finding new connections and patterns takes time and is not always possible. This will be even more complicated if a new partner takes the place of the one who has died. It is not automatic that everyone grants that person a place.

That is a quest, from person to person, from system to system and from moment to moment. That costs time, energy, commitment, a conscious view and dedication.

Systemic work is all about exploring your place within the larger whole, such as family. The idea is that each person is part of multiple systems, and that the dynamics within these systems can influence our behavior, beliefs, and sense of well-being. By understanding your place within these systems, you can learn valuable lessons about yourself and your relationships. Here are some insights you can gain:

1. Recognizing entanglements

In systemic work, we often talk about “entanglements” — situations in which you unconsciously take on feelings, patterns, or even the fate of others in the system. By recognizing these entanglements, you can break through patterns that are not really yours, but that you carry with you.

2. insight into your role and position

Each member of a system has a specific place. For example, in a family constellation, the dynamics between parents, children, grandparents, etc. are examined. If you are not in your “right place”, for example when a child takes on the role of a parent, this can lead to stress and imbalance. By discovering your own place, you can learn how to carry your responsibility without taking on that of others.

3. recognizing loyalties

Systemic work often reveals hidden loyalties: the unconscious obligations we feel towards our family, ancestors or groups to which we belong. These can be beliefs (“in our family we always work hard”) or emotional burdens. By examining these loyalties, you can better understand which choices are truly yours and which arise from unconscious connections with the system.

4. space for your own life

Through systemic work you also learn to take a healthy distance from the past of others in your system. This means that you can respect and honor their experiences without them limiting your own choices and freedom. You can follow your own path in life without being defined by the expectations or suffering of the system.

5. understanding unconscious dynamics

We often repeat patterns without knowing where they come from. Systemic work helps to bring these unconscious dynamics to light and break them. This can lead to liberating insights and new behavioral options, allowing you to be freer and more yourself.

6. acceptance and reconciliation

Systemic work emphasizes acceptance of yourself and others in the system, including the difficult parts. By finding and accepting your place, you also learn that every member of a system has their own fate and responsibility. This can lead to a sense of peace and reconciliation, both with yourself and with others. My place as a mother, but also as the only woman of my age in our family system is simply different from that of my husband. Since I have reconciled myself with that, much has become clear to me and more peace has come.

In short, systemic work helps you become aware of your place and the influence it has on your life and relationships. This awareness can lead to personal growth, healthier relationships and a deeper understanding of yourself within a larger whole.

Question 7 is about your place. Who is around you, close by or a bit further away.

I am used to doing an exercise where I connect with an invisible field to gain insights. This technique falls within the framework of intuitive perception, grounding exercises or even certain forms of psychometry (feeling or reading energy through objects).

What is the purpose of the exercise?

The idea behind this exercise is that by standing on the paper with a word, you are making a physical and energetic connection with the concept or energy represented by that word. For example, the word can represent a question, a situation or an intention. By focusing on that specific word, you are trying to intuitively pick up information or feelings that can give you more insight.

How does the exercise work?

1. Preparation: So write a word or short sentence on a piece of paper (for example an A4). This can be something you want to investigate, such as a name, a situation, an intention, or your place in the system.

2. Grounding and Focus: Before you stand on the paper, it is important to ground yourself. You do this by breathing deeply and focusing on your body and your connection to the ground. Make sure you are relaxed and focused.

3. Physical connection: stand with both feet on the A4 paper and concentrate on the word written on it. While standing on this, try to notice any impressions, thoughts, emotions or physical sensations that come up. For example, some people experience a feeling of warmth, tingling, or suddenly get certain thoughts or images in their head.

4. Observation and interpretation: give yourself time to sink into the energy of the word and observe what you experience. Often subtle sensations or thoughts are observed that are not immediately rational, but that can later prove to be significant. Some people use this technique to find answers to questions that cannot be solved directly by logic.

5. Writing down insights: Once you are done, write down the insights or feelings you experienced. It helps to do this right away so you can capture the experience before the details fade away.

Possible applications.

- Making decisions: You can use this technique to intuitively sense whether a certain choice or direction regarding that new place feels right.

- Connecting with emotions: standing on words that symbolize these emotions can help to gain more insight into unclear or confused emotions.

- Exploring Relationships: People sometimes use this exercise to energetically sense what a relationship or dynamic is like with another person by simply writing their name on the paper.

- Intentions or manifestation: You can stand on words that represent your intentions or goals, to make a physical connection with what you want to achieve.

- Energy work: in some spiritual traditions it is believed that everything has energy, including words. By physically standing on a word, you can tune into the energy of that word and gain insights from it.

- Symbolism and Connection: This technique uses the symbolic power of language, where the physical act of “standing” on a concept can help you explore or connect with that concept more deeply.

In short, standing on an A4 with a word written on it is an intuitive exercise in which you try to pick up information through your body and energy field, often aimed at gaining clarity or insight into a specific situation. It is a practical method for people who are used to working with energy or exploring intuitive techniques. And that can help you step out of your comfort zone.

Just go and practice. Take two situations (for example mother and wife or mother and daughter), write the words on an A4. Stand on both and see if you experience a different feeling in each.

I have stood on all four words myself and with one I got very cold under my feet while with another I closed my eyes and started rocking back and forth. Each word and each piece of paper will indicate something different. Which can be quite strange at first, but if you do it more often you can increasingly connect with your feelings and it can help you find direction in your searches; as it were, like an inner compass.